Monday, August 22, 2005

Cleaning House

There was a momentary breach in the positivity bubble.

I recently dumped a friend of 20 years, and it was difficult, but ultimately necessary. This wasn't the first time, but it will be the last, and I know this because I had that gut rot that you feel when something is serious, and permanent. I mourned for a few days, had some regrets, evaluated my position, theirs, reflected on what was said, etc, etc...

Then I moved on.

I was talking to someone else about this, and mentioning how it feels like a death, this loss, but more so because you know that they are really still there, but it's for the best that you've parted. I won't go into the whole pettiness of it all, or it will sound like some juvenile grievance story. It was also such a ridiculous misunderstanding that started the ball rolling, that it will seem insane to read it myself. I'll just say that though the idea of having a friend for 20 years is great, the reality of it is impossible at best. Simply being stoners is not enough to keep people together.

I often found myself at ideological odds, and many times bit my tongue thinking that I would just allow their opinion, crazy as it seemed to me, and this would somehow be mature on my part. But I suppose these things build up. So much so, that when the shit hit the fan, I must say that I did get some good licks in.

I'm not proud of some of the things that were said, and I certainly can't take them back, but I also cannot recover from some of them, and it just seems easier to walk away. Fortunately I have enough close people that I can share my feelings and know that I'm not crazy, and yes, sometimes people do need to get away from each other, but still, it hurts.

So today I had a slight change in the pressure inside this bubble. Probably triggered by the death of my co-workers father, which really is the great universality amongst us all. All the emotions were right there at the surface when I was buying a sympathy card, and when I got home from work, I felt like I needed to sound here I am.

I really struggled with writing about this here, but hey....we're keeping it real right?

Besides, it's not like anyone is reading this anyhooo......
so I'll just shout into the void.
And now it's time for music, the great healer of all.


Polkageist said...

Hey, thanks for 'seeing me'.

I've had to dump best friends many times. It is, like you mentioned, dying. I mean, you've spent so much time with them, poured your heart out to them, and then..they're gone.

But it's usually for the best. Good luck with that. I'm here for support. <3

And is the great healer of all.

Good luck and good night


Anonymous said...

I just came across this and recognized myself in your words. The same kind of thing happened to me, but I'd not been able to express my feelings the way you have here. Thanks for giving a voice to made me feel less alone. Sometimes it really is necessary to let matter how much it hurts.